The art of Zen

At least it's not depression. Well, I don't think it is. Been there, done that, took the meds for it. Tired of hearing that my change of moods and outlook is due to "your not getting any younger Pam and this is what happens when you go through the change of life." Nope, that can't be it. Talk about a cop out mindset. Nope, I call bullshit on that one.

Tomorrow I go to see yet one more therapist. My first one was a tiny female version of Woody Allen. Think on that one for a moment. She was about 5feet tall and weighed maybe 98 pounds. Was pushing her 60's. Sporting the black tennis shoes, black skinny leg jeans, black tee-shirt and black hoody. Had an obsession about locked doors. Slightly paranoid and would spend 40 of our 50 minutes together constantly checking anything and everything in her office that had a lock on it. She was a psychiatrist. Next, psychologist. He had a bout with throat cancer and won. Can't argue that is something to share. I would be proud of it too. He talked a LOT about his other patients, never by name only by symptom. He spoke of the amazing discoveries he has made with hypnosis and for only $300.00 a session I too could partake of this amazing-ness. He talked a lot about him. He said we would eventually discuss me and my issues. Wanted to see how far he could "press the boundries" to see if I could be offended. LOL He never found that button. He did press my boundries on dipping into my money for copays and not talking about me! He lasted 4 sessions. I could tell you so much more about him...you get the point.

Meds...nope I'm good. Now don't get me wrong...pop a pharmaceutical delight at the drop of a hat....sure. But medicating is not going to solve a damn thing, it will only mask it. I had my better living through Pfizer within the past year. Stopped taking many of those meds when I started begging Rick to have me committed. Three day and night vacation at an all inclusive hospital. Padded rooms, meals, meds, rest..yep I am ready. LOL

I know with age comes the "looking for reason and worth" in ones life. To search for the answer of "why am I here? What is my purpose?" is what many of us seek. So I chose the therapist that does not see the use of medication to fix the issue. Even if its a painful feeling, you have to feel it to have it stop impacting your life. I think I have just signed up for the "guilt trip express". LOL I know we will be dealing with the death of my Dad (step but real) then three months later grandma, then one month later bio father, then three months later my Mom. Oh...dog died in that mess too.

So, lets see what eye opening "ah-ha" moment I will have. I am hopeful the next blog will be of mour substance. This should be filled under, "kind of whiney moment". LOL