Nope, I am not quoting a line from a Beatles song. It is four small words, that when put together and in a sentence, that changed me.
A few years ago we had a rapid series of change, new beginnings and sadly too much death. In less than three years we lost my husbands Mom, my Dad, my grandmother, my biological sperm donor and then my Mom. That is way too many deaths in such a short period of time. A year after my Moms death we sold our home (I had bought my parents home in 2004) and moved across country. Sixteen months later we got the hell out of the snowy grave we had moved to and arrived here in the great country of Texas. There was a lot that took place, good and difficult during that time also, as every life has, but the deaths were the major milestones.
I guess it was that was the beginning of my un-doing.
Lots of decisions have to be made in a short amount of time. You have to be in control in order to keep yourself and your family moving forward. One step a head just in case. Planning and stressing about what might happen, could happen, if it does happen...it took a toll on me. The easiest way I can describe it is, imagine if you were having two conversations in your head. The left side of your brain is arguing and reasoning with the right side. And the right side is arguing and reasoning back with the left side. The worst part is...it NEVER stops. I guess that's when the anxiety and panic attacks started taking over any logical or reasonable rhyme or reason in my head. I dealt with some depression, but the anxiety and panic attacks just seemed to be getting worse.
I started seeing a therapist two weeks ago. Seems like a very short amount of time to notice a difference, but it has already started helping. I had seen two others in the past year. One needed therapy more than I did. The other talked about him every session, never about me. Funny...I was the one paying the co payment so it really should have been all about me, not him. The new therapist is amazing. Great connection and looking forward to each and every visit. I had my "light bulb" moment Thursday.
I worry more and care more about everyone else...just not me. I am so worried that I will have to fix what ever happens to everyone else, that I have to be one step a head in case something happens, to control the situation and fix it. My left side starts spinning in one direction. Then the right side starts in the other direction. Too much friction...boom!!! Melt down.
Let go, just be...
Could it be that damn easy. Yes. Yes it is.
Imagine a helium balloon. It about eye level to you and it is always floating in front of you. It continues to get in your way and piss you off. I mean really piss you off. The more you push it out of the way the more it blocks your way. Your thoughts, your line of vision, the tasks at hand. It is truly a pain in the ass. So, you hang on to the string. Your grasp is unrelenting. You are white knuckling the string. You just can't let it go. Now everything that is not that big of a deal is a big ass deal, cause that damn balloon is consuming you. Let go. Let go of the string. Its not going to float away. Its not going to disappear, but you can move on from it. Its still there, but your hands are free to move on to what you do have control over. Yep, the balloon is still there, but your focus is not grasping on to that string and fighting it. Just be.
Just be...sounds like a total happy tree hugging hippie line...just be. Just be your authentic you. Just be all of the qualities that make you who you are and rejoice in that. Just be.
