So, Monday I closed my Facebook account. Sounds easy enough. Hit a button, poof..off the Facebook grid. My intent was sincere. I was tired of the cold, impersonal, distant feeling. The art of putting pen to paper is dead, I get that. But so is keeping touch with each other. It wasn't that long ago that my inbox was filled with "cyber letters". Like the old fashioned ones that use to be delivered by the mailman. (yes kids, people used to write before texting, IM's and tweeting). Or sometimes it would be a phone call. Just to check in. To have a one on one conversation. Now its short blurbs of random thoughts that pop in our head, so we must post that at once.
My dog took a crap it was so big!
My kids are the best. Copy and paste if you love your...(son, daughter, cousin).
My band is going on tour can't wait to see you there. Buy our songs on iTunes!
Poke.
FML.
Please help me in...farmville, candy crush, bingo, mafia wars, storage wars...
Poke
In three words tell me how.....
If you agree click like, if you don't then share...
Hey ladies, look at all the free crap you can get that you really don't need...
Poke
You get the idea.
Now I am guilty of all those things. Notice I did not have an unkind word to say about Tard the Grumpy Cat...cause I love that damn cat! But, wouldn't it be nice to log on and find out how your real friends are doing? To have a meaningful conversation or paragraph from them and connect. Life isn't about two sentences of random thoughts or what you are thinking that exact moment in time. The art of connecting with each other and having meaningful exchanges of information is dying.
So, between that and being in a pissy mood...I hit the button. Delete account.
I had no idea the shit storm that was heading my way. Even my own daughter had something to say about it. Why? Are you ok? Are you mad? You are coming back on right? What about if I need to send you something? This was from quite a few people, not just family.
I have never felt so loved in my life. LOL
I guess the human connection is there. It is alive. Was it just me wanting too much? Should I just realize that life is short clips of events and can be summed up in 160 characters or less? So now the question is....look like a dolt and just give in and activate the account. Or do I remain firm and hold out for life without updates?
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Clearing.....
My therapy appointment went better than I could ever hope for. I have had two different clinicians since being here in Austin. One was the female version of Woody Allen. She was very obsessed with making sure all the doors and anything in her office with a lock...was locked. The other one, nice guy but loved talking about him. He was somewhat fixated on what he could say that would "shock", "surprise" or "offend" me. LOL I laugh cause he had no clue about me and if you can possibly accomplish any of those three, well good on ya, cause I haven't met anyone able to do so. I would bitch after my appointments that it was never about "me" and it was just a waste of money. Third time is a charm. Now I am not really happy because it IS all about me. LOL I am hopeful that great strides will be made going forward.
I read this amazing blurb on Facebook today that really had me thinking. To shorten it up a bit. More time, energy and focus is spent being connected all day every day. The average person with a smart phone (or tablet) checks their phone between 75-100 times a day. For either work, missed calls, status updates, tweets, reference...well you get it. It went on to say that although this ability is wonderful, if we are plugged in 24/7 when does our body and mind disconnect. I not only logged off my phone, I shut it off.
I spend so much time looking for serenity, the calm life that I once had and time for me. Yet I do nothing to obtain what I am searching for. I am plugged in ALWAYS. Obsessed with work, make that all mighty dollar, making numbers and covering my ass. Worried when the next shoe is going to drop. Waiting for that phone call that something has happened, what are we going to do, how can it be fixed. Mind spinning out of control about new places and being in a crowd, but yet obsessed with moving on, starting fresh and looking for a new adventure.
Now we know why I am back in therapy. LOL
I have home work to complete. I am to write a toast by three different people, living or dead that would be read at my 80th birthday bash. I realize it is to show me my self worth and pointing me in the direction that I can do what ever I wish to accomplish in my life. The sad part...had a anxiety attack over the assignment. Who do I choose? Oh sure the therapist is expecting my Mom and or Dad, husband, children. I can not be predictable. It is to be what I would want them to say...not what think they would say. Maybe it was better when the focus was not on me.
This weekend was for clearing my mind. Meditation of sorts. Disconnecting with the phone and computer and trying to find the off switch of my out of control spinning thoughts. Trying to clear the cobwebs in my mind. Re-working those gears so they stop seizing up and spin over and over. Felt good today to unplug. I seemed to get more done and time has went by pretty slow. I am not sure if it was the disconnection that was helpful or was it putting some space between myself and facebook. I have missed some cute puppy photos, recipes and the daily propaganda and I have survived. I took the time to do nothing, to stop and realize that I do not have to be doing something every moment of every day.
I did do something. I made time for me. To clear my head and just be.
I read this amazing blurb on Facebook today that really had me thinking. To shorten it up a bit. More time, energy and focus is spent being connected all day every day. The average person with a smart phone (or tablet) checks their phone between 75-100 times a day. For either work, missed calls, status updates, tweets, reference...well you get it. It went on to say that although this ability is wonderful, if we are plugged in 24/7 when does our body and mind disconnect. I not only logged off my phone, I shut it off.
I spend so much time looking for serenity, the calm life that I once had and time for me. Yet I do nothing to obtain what I am searching for. I am plugged in ALWAYS. Obsessed with work, make that all mighty dollar, making numbers and covering my ass. Worried when the next shoe is going to drop. Waiting for that phone call that something has happened, what are we going to do, how can it be fixed. Mind spinning out of control about new places and being in a crowd, but yet obsessed with moving on, starting fresh and looking for a new adventure.
Now we know why I am back in therapy. LOL
I have home work to complete. I am to write a toast by three different people, living or dead that would be read at my 80th birthday bash. I realize it is to show me my self worth and pointing me in the direction that I can do what ever I wish to accomplish in my life. The sad part...had a anxiety attack over the assignment. Who do I choose? Oh sure the therapist is expecting my Mom and or Dad, husband, children. I can not be predictable. It is to be what I would want them to say...not what think they would say. Maybe it was better when the focus was not on me.
This weekend was for clearing my mind. Meditation of sorts. Disconnecting with the phone and computer and trying to find the off switch of my out of control spinning thoughts. Trying to clear the cobwebs in my mind. Re-working those gears so they stop seizing up and spin over and over. Felt good today to unplug. I seemed to get more done and time has went by pretty slow. I am not sure if it was the disconnection that was helpful or was it putting some space between myself and facebook. I have missed some cute puppy photos, recipes and the daily propaganda and I have survived. I took the time to do nothing, to stop and realize that I do not have to be doing something every moment of every day.
I did do something. I made time for me. To clear my head and just be.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
The art of Zen
At least it's not depression. Well, I don't think it is. Been there, done that, took the meds for it. Tired of hearing that my change of moods and outlook is due to "your not getting any younger Pam and this is what happens when you go through the change of life." Nope, that can't be it. Talk about a cop out mindset. Nope, I call bullshit on that one.
Tomorrow I go to see yet one more therapist. My first one was a tiny female version of Woody Allen. Think on that one for a moment. She was about 5feet tall and weighed maybe 98 pounds. Was pushing her 60's. Sporting the black tennis shoes, black skinny leg jeans, black tee-shirt and black hoody. Had an obsession about locked doors. Slightly paranoid and would spend 40 of our 50 minutes together constantly checking anything and everything in her office that had a lock on it. She was a psychiatrist. Next, psychologist. He had a bout with throat cancer and won. Can't argue that is something to share. I would be proud of it too. He talked a LOT about his other patients, never by name only by symptom. He spoke of the amazing discoveries he has made with hypnosis and for only $300.00 a session I too could partake of this amazing-ness. He talked a lot about him. He said we would eventually discuss me and my issues. Wanted to see how far he could "press the boundries" to see if I could be offended. LOL He never found that button. He did press my boundries on dipping into my money for copays and not talking about me! He lasted 4 sessions. I could tell you so much more about him...you get the point.
Meds...nope I'm good. Now don't get me wrong...pop a pharmaceutical delight at the drop of a hat....sure. But medicating is not going to solve a damn thing, it will only mask it. I had my better living through Pfizer within the past year. Stopped taking many of those meds when I started begging Rick to have me committed. Three day and night vacation at an all inclusive hospital. Padded rooms, meals, meds, rest..yep I am ready. LOL
I know with age comes the "looking for reason and worth" in ones life. To search for the answer of "why am I here? What is my purpose?" is what many of us seek. So I chose the therapist that does not see the use of medication to fix the issue. Even if its a painful feeling, you have to feel it to have it stop impacting your life. I think I have just signed up for the "guilt trip express". LOL I know we will be dealing with the death of my Dad (step but real) then three months later grandma, then one month later bio father, then three months later my Mom. Oh...dog died in that mess too.
So, lets see what eye opening "ah-ha" moment I will have. I am hopeful the next blog will be of mour substance. This should be filled under, "kind of whiney moment". LOL
Tomorrow I go to see yet one more therapist. My first one was a tiny female version of Woody Allen. Think on that one for a moment. She was about 5feet tall and weighed maybe 98 pounds. Was pushing her 60's. Sporting the black tennis shoes, black skinny leg jeans, black tee-shirt and black hoody. Had an obsession about locked doors. Slightly paranoid and would spend 40 of our 50 minutes together constantly checking anything and everything in her office that had a lock on it. She was a psychiatrist. Next, psychologist. He had a bout with throat cancer and won. Can't argue that is something to share. I would be proud of it too. He talked a LOT about his other patients, never by name only by symptom. He spoke of the amazing discoveries he has made with hypnosis and for only $300.00 a session I too could partake of this amazing-ness. He talked a lot about him. He said we would eventually discuss me and my issues. Wanted to see how far he could "press the boundries" to see if I could be offended. LOL He never found that button. He did press my boundries on dipping into my money for copays and not talking about me! He lasted 4 sessions. I could tell you so much more about him...you get the point.
Meds...nope I'm good. Now don't get me wrong...pop a pharmaceutical delight at the drop of a hat....sure. But medicating is not going to solve a damn thing, it will only mask it. I had my better living through Pfizer within the past year. Stopped taking many of those meds when I started begging Rick to have me committed. Three day and night vacation at an all inclusive hospital. Padded rooms, meals, meds, rest..yep I am ready. LOL
I know with age comes the "looking for reason and worth" in ones life. To search for the answer of "why am I here? What is my purpose?" is what many of us seek. So I chose the therapist that does not see the use of medication to fix the issue. Even if its a painful feeling, you have to feel it to have it stop impacting your life. I think I have just signed up for the "guilt trip express". LOL I know we will be dealing with the death of my Dad (step but real) then three months later grandma, then one month later bio father, then three months later my Mom. Oh...dog died in that mess too.
So, lets see what eye opening "ah-ha" moment I will have. I am hopeful the next blog will be of mour substance. This should be filled under, "kind of whiney moment". LOL
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Down shifting and changing gears.
Sunday mornings are just magical in my eyes. It is truly no different than any other morning as they all seem to start the same way, yet it is Sunday that gets my vote. All is quiet inside and out. No one up rushing around. The birds seem a little louder as they chirp their morning news to their other feathered friends. I think it may be the still in the air, and on occasion, in my mind as I watch the sky change colors. It is the one time in the week that I do not have to force my brain to switch into low gear and fight to keep if from spinning out of control.
We arrived in the great "country" of Texas on this date in 2011. Two full years so far. Many times the thoughts of moving on to find Mayberry has crossed my mind. I have thought of returning to California, not out of missing the state yet out of missing that which is familiar. Those thoughts seem to dissipate as the days pass. After two years, I guess its time to start unpacking everything. In my thoughts, if I never full unpacked everything, it wasn't permanent. I had the chance still to make a change. To move on to something bigger and better, striving for more. Actually, it was to not commit completely and keep the window of opportunity for flight or fight to remain open and available for the flight component. There is ONE picture hanging on the wall in our bedroom. The walls remain stark and barren as it was on move in day. A part of me also fears that if I truly make it the way I want it, I will lose it all yet again.
Ok brain, more coffee and time to down shift, you are picking up spinning speed. Just saying.
With age comes wisdom. Damn, I hated hearing that comment through out my life. I was a pretty smart cookie and I had wisdom. No...no I didn't. Not up until a few years ago and even then it was sketchy at best. But, I continue to learn.
I am hopeful before the end of summer I will finally be rid of the storage unit filled with things we obviously haven't needed for two years. I will unpack that last box and actually hang something on our bedroom walls. If as the last nail is placed in the wall I realize its time to move on...then its time. But living today in a certain way because you can't control tomorrow, is not living. Perhaps it was my mind telling me that it could not be a "home" as we sold our home to search for Mayberry.
The patio is completed for the most part. I still am looking for that special something to hang on the wall out there. After completion we sat back and asked why I waited so long to fix it up the way I wanted. (well the way I can with the room and $$$ that I have). The waiting is over. Time to commit and find the nails. I cannot look at it as settling for where we are, but as living in the joy we have currently. Mayberry is where you make it. It is not a town on a map but a feeling of contentment in you heart. Time to go harvest some goodies from the patio garden for Sunday dinner. Yep, right now this is Mayberry.
We arrived in the great "country" of Texas on this date in 2011. Two full years so far. Many times the thoughts of moving on to find Mayberry has crossed my mind. I have thought of returning to California, not out of missing the state yet out of missing that which is familiar. Those thoughts seem to dissipate as the days pass. After two years, I guess its time to start unpacking everything. In my thoughts, if I never full unpacked everything, it wasn't permanent. I had the chance still to make a change. To move on to something bigger and better, striving for more. Actually, it was to not commit completely and keep the window of opportunity for flight or fight to remain open and available for the flight component. There is ONE picture hanging on the wall in our bedroom. The walls remain stark and barren as it was on move in day. A part of me also fears that if I truly make it the way I want it, I will lose it all yet again.
Ok brain, more coffee and time to down shift, you are picking up spinning speed. Just saying.
With age comes wisdom. Damn, I hated hearing that comment through out my life. I was a pretty smart cookie and I had wisdom. No...no I didn't. Not up until a few years ago and even then it was sketchy at best. But, I continue to learn.
I am hopeful before the end of summer I will finally be rid of the storage unit filled with things we obviously haven't needed for two years. I will unpack that last box and actually hang something on our bedroom walls. If as the last nail is placed in the wall I realize its time to move on...then its time. But living today in a certain way because you can't control tomorrow, is not living. Perhaps it was my mind telling me that it could not be a "home" as we sold our home to search for Mayberry.
The patio is completed for the most part. I still am looking for that special something to hang on the wall out there. After completion we sat back and asked why I waited so long to fix it up the way I wanted. (well the way I can with the room and $$$ that I have). The waiting is over. Time to commit and find the nails. I cannot look at it as settling for where we are, but as living in the joy we have currently. Mayberry is where you make it. It is not a town on a map but a feeling of contentment in you heart. Time to go harvest some goodies from the patio garden for Sunday dinner. Yep, right now this is Mayberry.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
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