2014

10 days late...but HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


Yep, another new year before us. I think I am the only person that made one of her resolutions to be not to work more and earn less. LOL Who does that? Most will jump on the $$$ if it is available. Overtime? Time and a half? No thank you. Been there, done that and now have the medications to show for it.


Seriously, I did not make any resolutions. I find them to be unrealistic and just shows me of yet one more thing I failed to follow through on. I would rather not focus on what I have not accomplished but enjoy the moments and triumphs of what I DID achieve.


Now I could make a note and say that I am going to blog more and not forget to log on and not to let life get in the way of my postings. I am going to try, but no promise there. Bouncing around the idea of the 355 day daily blog. Kind of a way to hold myself accountable to the "new life" I am working on. Therapy, possible out of state move, working out and learning to relax. I am not sure if I will do it, but might as well start since I am logged on.


Therapy: needed. Panic attacks have grown out of control. I have always had anxiety and panic attacks...but they were controllable. Not so much anymore. When you feel as if you are having a heart attack its time to do something. I am doing better with being comfortable in new places, but that is a work in progress. Most of the severe attacks happen between Monday-Friday from 7am to 4pm. That takes us to the next topic.


Possible move out of state: Again. I always seem to be looking for "Mayberry". I have come to realize that Andy, Aunt Bea and Opie burned the city down and it is gone for ever. Oh sure the Waltons had it on the mountain, but they too sold out and there are condos and hipsters all over the mountain now. We left CA and went to the frozen tundra of WI because I thought I had found it. Nope. Not there. But...we did find Salems Lot there. Hence the reason we are now in the great country of Texas. Yes, Austin...the "music capitol of the world". Seriously? I grew up in Los Angeles and Orange County. Southern CA...that's where you find music. Not just a bunch of beards in a band playing some dive bar. Come to Austin...lots of jobs. Nah. Not for what I do for a living. Nothing better than feeling like you are stuck and will die if you don't flee. We are pondering the possibility of moving back to AZ. I know...you can't go backwards in life. And moving out of state is a big leap of faith, but not doing it would be a bigger mistake.


Working out: loving it! It would be easy to not go. But seriously, all I am going to do if I don't go is
1. sit in front of the TV and let my brain melt.
2. stay plugged in to one of the many electronic devices that distract me.
3. let my blood sugar continue to climb until I am on insulin injections.
4. become my parents.
5. DIE
Those all sound like good motivators to get me there a minimum of 5-6 days a week. I didn't go yesterday. I took a break after 6 days straight and felt guilty about not going. I don't do much by some standards. I try and get 1 to 1 1/2 hours in each day. I had to take one day off to give my body time to bounce back after the beating it took on Weds. Maybe I will do a 5k before the end of the year. If so, one more thing off the bucket list.


Relax: I guess all of the above will help me relax more and take time for me. I hate doing things for me. Not sure why, but then again I am in therapy so I guess I will find that answer soon enough.


Life is good. We are not wealthy, but comfortable. My marriage and my family are my everything and that's what keeps me going. One day at a time.......

Let go...just be

Nope, I am not quoting a line from a Beatles song. It is four small words, that when put together and in a sentence, that changed me.

A few years ago we had a rapid series of change, new beginnings and sadly too much death. In less than three years we lost my husbands Mom, my Dad, my grandmother, my biological sperm donor and then my Mom. That is way too many deaths in such a short period of time. A year after my Moms death we sold our home (I had bought my parents home in 2004) and moved across country. Sixteen months later we got the hell out of the snowy grave we had moved to and arrived here in the great country of Texas. There was a lot that took place, good and difficult during that time also, as every life has, but the deaths were the major milestones.

I guess it was that was the beginning of my un-doing.

Lots of decisions have to be made in a short amount of time. You have to be in control in order to keep yourself and your family moving forward. One step a head just in case. Planning and stressing about what might happen, could happen, if it does happen...it took a toll on me. The easiest way I can describe it is, imagine if you were having two conversations in your head. The left side of your brain is arguing and reasoning with the right side. And the right side is arguing and reasoning back with the left side. The worst part is...it NEVER stops. I guess that's when the anxiety and panic attacks started taking over any logical or reasonable rhyme or reason in my head. I dealt with some depression, but the anxiety and panic attacks just seemed to be getting worse.

I started seeing a therapist two weeks ago. Seems like a very short amount of time to notice a difference, but it has already started helping. I had seen two others in the past year. One needed therapy more than I did. The other talked about him every session, never about me. Funny...I was the one paying the co payment so it really should have been all about me, not him. The new therapist is amazing. Great connection and looking forward to each and every visit. I had my "light bulb" moment Thursday.

I worry more and care more about everyone else...just not me. I am so worried that I will have to fix what ever happens to everyone else, that I have to be one step a head in case something happens, to control the situation and fix it. My left side starts spinning in one direction. Then the right side starts in the other direction. Too much friction...boom!!! Melt down.

Let go, just be...
Could it be that damn easy. Yes. Yes it is.

Imagine a helium balloon. It about eye level to you and it is always floating in front of you. It continues to get in your way and piss you off. I mean really piss you off. The more you push it out of the way the more it blocks your way. Your thoughts, your line of vision, the tasks at hand. It is truly a pain in the ass. So, you hang on to the string. Your grasp is unrelenting. You are white knuckling the string. You just can't let it go. Now everything that is not that big of a deal is a big ass deal, cause that damn balloon is consuming you. Let go. Let go of the string. Its not going to float away. Its not going to disappear, but you can move on from it. Its still there, but your hands are free to move on to what you do have control over. Yep, the balloon is still there, but your focus is not grasping on to that string and fighting it. Just be.

Just be...sounds like a total happy tree hugging hippie line...just be. Just be your authentic you. Just be all of the qualities that make you who you are and rejoice in that. Just be.

we all need the human touch....

So, Monday I closed my Facebook account. Sounds easy enough. Hit a button, poof..off the Facebook grid. My intent was sincere. I was tired of the cold, impersonal, distant feeling. The art of putting pen to paper is dead, I get that. But so is keeping touch with each other. It wasn't that long ago that my inbox was filled with "cyber letters". Like the old fashioned ones that use to be delivered by the mailman. (yes kids, people used to write before texting, IM's and tweeting). Or sometimes it would be a phone call. Just to check in. To have a one on one conversation. Now its short blurbs of random thoughts that pop in our head, so we must post that at once.

My dog took a crap it was so big!
My kids are the best. Copy and paste if you love your...(son, daughter, cousin).
My band is going on tour can't wait to see you there. Buy our songs on iTunes!
Poke.
FML.
Please help me in...farmville, candy crush, bingo, mafia wars, storage wars...
Poke
In three words tell me how.....
If you agree click like, if you don't then share...
Hey ladies, look at all the free crap you can get that you really don't need...
Poke

You get the idea.

Now I am guilty of all those things. Notice I did not have an unkind word to say about Tard the Grumpy Cat...cause I love that damn cat! But, wouldn't it be nice to log on and find out how your real friends are doing? To have a meaningful conversation or paragraph from them and connect. Life isn't about two sentences of random thoughts or what you are thinking that exact moment in time. The art of connecting with each other and having meaningful exchanges of information is dying.

So, between that and being in a pissy mood...I hit the button.   Delete account.

I had no idea the shit storm that was heading my way. Even my own daughter had something to say about it. Why? Are you ok? Are you mad? You are coming back on right? What about if I need to send you something? This was from quite a few people, not just family.

I have never felt so loved in my life. LOL

I guess the human connection is there. It is alive. Was it just me wanting too much? Should I just realize that life is short clips of events and can be summed up in 160 characters or less? So now the question is....look like a dolt and just give in and activate the account. Or do I remain firm and hold out for life without updates?

Clearing.....

My therapy appointment went better than I could ever hope for. I have had two different clinicians since being here in Austin. One was the female version of Woody Allen. She was very obsessed with making sure all the doors and anything in her office with a lock...was locked. The other one, nice guy but loved talking about him. He was somewhat fixated on what he could say that would "shock", "surprise" or "offend" me. LOL I laugh cause he had no clue about me and if you can possibly accomplish any of those three, well good on ya, cause I haven't met anyone able to do so. I would bitch after my appointments that it was never about "me" and it was just a waste of money. Third time is a charm. Now I am not really happy because it IS all about me. LOL I am hopeful that great strides will be made going forward.

I read this amazing blurb on Facebook today that really had me thinking. To shorten it up a bit. More time, energy and focus is spent being connected all day every day. The average person with a smart phone (or tablet) checks their phone between 75-100 times a day. For either work, missed calls, status updates, tweets, reference...well you get it. It went on to say that although this ability is wonderful, if we are plugged in 24/7 when does our body and mind disconnect. I not only logged off my phone, I shut it off.

I spend so much time looking for serenity, the calm life that I once had and time for me. Yet I do nothing to obtain what I am searching for. I am plugged in ALWAYS. Obsessed with work, make that all mighty dollar, making numbers and covering my ass. Worried when the next shoe is going to drop. Waiting for that phone call that something has happened, what are we going to do, how can it be fixed. Mind spinning out of control about new places and being in a crowd, but yet obsessed with moving on, starting fresh and looking for a new adventure.

Now we know why I am back in therapy. LOL

I have home work to complete. I am to write a toast by three different people, living or dead that would be read at my 80th birthday bash. I realize it is to show me my self worth and pointing me in the direction that I can do what ever I wish to accomplish in my life. The sad part...had a anxiety attack over the assignment. Who do I choose? Oh sure the therapist is expecting my Mom and or Dad, husband, children. I can not be predictable. It is to be what I would want them to say...not what think they would say. Maybe it was better when the focus was not on me.

This weekend was for clearing my mind. Meditation of sorts. Disconnecting with the phone and computer and trying to find the off switch of my out of control spinning thoughts. Trying to clear the cobwebs in my mind. Re-working those gears so they stop seizing up and spin over and over. Felt good today to unplug. I seemed to get more done and time has went by pretty slow. I am not sure if it was the disconnection that was helpful or was it putting some space between myself and facebook. I have missed some cute puppy photos, recipes and the daily propaganda and I have survived. I took the time to do nothing, to stop and realize that I do not have to be doing something every moment of every day.

I did do something. I made time for me. To clear my head and just be.

The art of Zen

At least it's not depression. Well, I don't think it is. Been there, done that, took the meds for it. Tired of hearing that my change of moods and outlook is due to "your not getting any younger Pam and this is what happens when you go through the change of life." Nope, that can't be it. Talk about a cop out mindset. Nope, I call bullshit on that one.

Tomorrow I go to see yet one more therapist. My first one was a tiny female version of Woody Allen. Think on that one for a moment. She was about 5feet tall and weighed maybe 98 pounds. Was pushing her 60's. Sporting the black tennis shoes, black skinny leg jeans, black tee-shirt and black hoody. Had an obsession about locked doors. Slightly paranoid and would spend 40 of our 50 minutes together constantly checking anything and everything in her office that had a lock on it. She was a psychiatrist. Next, psychologist. He had a bout with throat cancer and won. Can't argue that is something to share. I would be proud of it too. He talked a LOT about his other patients, never by name only by symptom. He spoke of the amazing discoveries he has made with hypnosis and for only $300.00 a session I too could partake of this amazing-ness. He talked a lot about him. He said we would eventually discuss me and my issues. Wanted to see how far he could "press the boundries" to see if I could be offended. LOL He never found that button. He did press my boundries on dipping into my money for copays and not talking about me! He lasted 4 sessions. I could tell you so much more about him...you get the point.

Meds...nope I'm good. Now don't get me wrong...pop a pharmaceutical delight at the drop of a hat....sure. But medicating is not going to solve a damn thing, it will only mask it. I had my better living through Pfizer within the past year. Stopped taking many of those meds when I started begging Rick to have me committed. Three day and night vacation at an all inclusive hospital. Padded rooms, meals, meds, rest..yep I am ready. LOL

I know with age comes the "looking for reason and worth" in ones life. To search for the answer of "why am I here? What is my purpose?" is what many of us seek. So I chose the therapist that does not see the use of medication to fix the issue. Even if its a painful feeling, you have to feel it to have it stop impacting your life. I think I have just signed up for the "guilt trip express". LOL I know we will be dealing with the death of my Dad (step but real) then three months later grandma, then one month later bio father, then three months later my Mom. Oh...dog died in that mess too.

So, lets see what eye opening "ah-ha" moment I will have. I am hopeful the next blog will be of mour substance. This should be filled under, "kind of whiney moment". LOL

Down shifting and changing gears.

Sunday mornings are just magical in my eyes. It is truly no different than any other morning as they all seem to start the same way, yet it is Sunday that gets my vote. All is quiet inside and out. No one up rushing around. The birds seem a little louder as they chirp their morning news to their other feathered friends. I think it may be the still in the air, and on occasion, in my mind as I watch the sky change colors. It is the one time in the week that I do not have to force my brain to switch into low gear and fight to keep if from spinning out of control.

We arrived in the great "country" of Texas on this date in 2011. Two full years so far. Many times the thoughts of moving on to find Mayberry has crossed my mind. I have thought of returning to California, not out of missing the state yet out of missing that which is familiar. Those thoughts seem to dissipate as the days pass. After two years, I guess its time to start unpacking everything. In my thoughts, if I never full unpacked everything, it wasn't permanent. I had the chance still to make a change. To move on to something bigger and better, striving for more. Actually, it was to not commit completely and keep the window of opportunity for flight or fight to remain open and available for the flight component. There is ONE picture hanging on the wall in our bedroom. The walls remain stark and barren as it was on move in day. A part of me also fears that if I truly make it the way I want it, I will lose it all yet again.

Ok brain, more coffee and time to down shift, you are picking up spinning speed. Just saying.

With age comes wisdom. Damn, I hated hearing that comment through out my life. I was a pretty smart cookie and I had wisdom. No...no I didn't. Not up until a few years ago and even then it was sketchy at best. But, I continue to learn.

I am hopeful before the end of summer I will finally be rid of the storage unit filled with things we obviously haven't needed for two years. I will unpack that last box and actually hang something on our bedroom walls. If as the last nail is placed in the wall I realize its time to move on...then its time. But living today in a certain way because you can't control tomorrow, is not living. Perhaps it was my mind telling me that it could not be a "home" as we sold our home to search for Mayberry.

The patio is completed for the most part. I still am looking for that special something to hang on the wall out there. After completion we sat back and asked why I waited so long to fix it up the way I wanted. (well the way I can with the room and $$$ that I have). The waiting is over. Time to commit and find the nails. I cannot look at it as settling for where we are, but as living in the joy we have currently.  Mayberry is where you make it. It is not a town on a map but a feeling of contentment in you heart. Time to go harvest some goodies from the patio garden for Sunday dinner. Yep, right now this is Mayberry.

Under construction. More to follow very soon.